Chillin'

I've been surprised by how anxious I feel about sending my thoughts out into the world.  I mean, first of all, I'm keeping it pretty anonymous.  Secondly, I've barely said anything yet.  And most importantly, no one is even reading this!  I am currently talking only to myself.  So, chill out, self!

That's something I've been working on for more than a year.  I went to this Tarot card reader last June, something I'd never done before (and haven't done since!) but my friend invited me, and I thought it would be fun to see what it's like.  It was not very mystical or magical, like in the movies, but she did seem to 'know' random things about me that weren't in the front of my thoughts and that I hadn't mentioned at all.  I did tell her I was hoping to have a baby and wondering if and how that might happen, but didn't give her any other details before she started shuffling the cards.  I started to get nervous as she laid the cards on the table - as if my fate were in her hands!  I don't know what I would have done if she told me there was no baby in my future.  Probably decided she didn't know anything! :)  But she said that she saw pregnancy in the cards (I think she would have interpreted the cards differently if I'd asked about something else but there were three pregnancy-related cards in the future section so I approved!).  She also said it was not going to happen within a relationship but instead through the use of 'tools' or something like that.  And finally, she assured me that I had already done more than enough research and learning and now was the time to "chill."  In other words, stop reading everything you can get your hands on about fertility, conception, pregnancy, etc.  And just relax!  From a Tarot card reader or anyone, that seemed like pretty reasonable advice.  I'm sure I was dripping with anxious energy and she probably would have suggested relaxing regardless of what the cards said.

Of course, relaxing is easier said than done.  And I can only relax so much or I won't remember to purchase sperm, renew prescriptions, take the drugs, give the shots and schedule and show up for all the appointments.  I'm sure relaxing and "not thinking about it so much" is helpful when it comes to the kind of conception that involves a penis and vagina in the same place at the same time, but I've got to think about it or it's not going to happen.  That donor sperm is not going to leap into my uterus on its own.  Still, stressing and ruminating is never a good idea.

I have calmed down considerably since last summer when I visited the Tarot lady.  But I know I've got a long way to go.  I think I'll start by making myself a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade to enjoy on a beautiful summer evening...

Love and relaxing vibes to all,

E